Well I decided to add a category strictly about hetero and homosexuality since I’ve got a few posts about it and my views on it. I have been so focused on the male gender that I hadn’t given a second thought to females. Even when I had my one experience being with a female (sexually, emotionally — couple status), I still didn’t give my female gender a thought. It was only her. Like I said, I was that focused on the male gender.

Honestly, I think had it been any female to make a move on me that was beautiful I would have allowed it to happen. That one female I was with back when I was sixteen, I felt she was beautiful. But hey I thought all my female friends were. I didn’t have any ugly friends. haha. But I never thought to look at them any more than just a friend. I never felt an attraction but then again I was so darn FOCUSED on males, it was like whatever. haha. After all I didn’t have females trying to hook up with me. It was the males so my attention was focused on them since they were the ones clearly interested in me more than a friend. But there was ONE of my female friends who was “bold” enough to make a move on me. Had it been any of my other female friends, I probably would have responded the same way I did the female who did make a move on me. My tunnel vision would have become interested in the idea. haha. Hey, I’m just being honest. Well not completely interested. I mean, at first when the female came on to me I was looking around like what am I supposed to do. haha. I didn’t push her off. It was new and didn’t feel wrong. I sure hadn’t looked at her more than just a friend. But afterwards I allowed myself to let her in and allowed myself to see her in the same light as my attraction to males that I had been acting upon all my life. Funny thing is, you would think that would open me up to see the entire female gender in that light but it didn’t. Not until like 9-10 years later: TODAY and NOW. It’s interesting how things occurred in my life. You know, looking back.

So after she broke up with me, well I was so heart broken that I ran to Christianity. Yea I did love her a great deal. And took on their views of homosexuality so when she contacted me about five years later saying she wanted me and stuff, I played the Christianity Card and a lot of times the silent card. Why? I felt that I still loved her, too. But of course, how could that be being that Christians say it’s not possible for the same gender to love each other in that way. So I played my cards and denied what I was feeling. I didn’t tell her how I felt. Why would I do that?! I was confused. Christianity had me second guessing my own feelings; or at least I allowed that influence to do that. I wasn’t some person trying to hide that I was “gay” or whatever simply because I didn’t think I was. She was the only. So I felt it’s just one female and I don’t find myself attracted to others…. blach blah. That was my way of thinking then. But attraction is attraction.

I didn’t find myself attracted to other females simply because of my focus on males. To shift my focus to females was something I had to “program” myself to do as I had to do with males. After all, I didn’t come into this world immediately attracted to males. It was something learned just as everything else was/is. So it was something I had to get used to — looking at females in the same light. And that could only start by first opening up myself to it. And I have.

With males my attraction started off just within my own “race” - those the same color skin as myself who are known as “african-americans”. I wasn’t a racist, just something learned to want to be with your own “race”. So I took that on as my preference however I did step outside of that preference quite a bit. I found myself attracted to not just “black” people but also “white” people and then the “hispanic” race and so on. It got to the point where it was like skin color really doesn’t matter. Because they all share the same traits that I’m attracted to. So I did away with my preference of wanting to be in a relationship with just “black” guys. The reason for the preference didn’t hold any weight so I let it go. After all my first “boyfriend” was “white”. His name was Thomas. We were about 5 years old and in Idaho. I liked Thomas more than the other little boys. And he liked me more than the other little girls. But if that doesn’t count, well then my first “real” boyfriend was in the 6th grade when I lived in Japan. He was white and korean (I think korean). My preference was created probably when my parents started having my siblings and I watch Alex Haley’s Roots. I think it was subconsciously done. Because I was still attracted to all colors and all color guys attracted to me just that I’d only allow myself to be with guys the same color as myself. I didn’t have many boyfriends - I think I had under seven. And I’d call the other guys of different colors “my fake boyfriend” — how mean huh?! Influence can do that to you whether you are aware of it or not at the time it happens. Like I said I let that preference go when I was like 21 because it just wasn’t holding any weight to keep it. Yea that’s real late in the “game” but whatever. However, at that point I had chosen to go solo. What “perfect” timing, huh? haha.

Anyway, so oddly enough I find the process starting out the same with this new found openness of attraction to the female gender. Like I said it’s new grounds as being open to all of the female gender and not just one in it. However, it’s still real late in the “game” considering I’ve chosen to be single for the rest of my life years before this understanding and openness about attraction. But, for both genders — I don’t mind having a (that means one) friend with benefits now that I see how that a FWB would suit my single lifestyle a whole lot better since I don’t want a relationship nor marriage. I don’t mean a FWB in the male gender AND the female — it’s one or the other not both nor multiple. And how I define friend with benefits is quite different from the norm. So if you think I’m looking for a fuck buddy then you clearly are not paying attention. Because first of all, I’m NOT looking for anything. I am just open to have a FWB. That means if I end up having one then I do. But if I don’t then I don’t. But I’m not looking for one; there is a difference. Besides, I don’t want a fuck buddy nor just some booty call, fling, one-night stand type thing. I DON’T do ANY of those. There is a difference between that and a friend with benefits. It’s very obvious. If you can’t see the difference nor understand the benefits side of it then you aren’t on my level, yet.

Anyway, like I say throughout my blog, I LOVE MY SINGLENESS JUST THAT MUCH.

Well I have to go for now. I’ll come back to add more, later.

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
To submit feedback about this post, please use the contact form.