Current Mood:      Happy & Thinking

Well, I’ve been thinking about it because I don’t like leaving things undefined and it’s not much of an update from my recent post about it whether I’m Straight, a Lesbian or Bi-Sexual. But I’ve gained a lot more clarity about the issue. So I’m happy with that. Here it is along with some additional perspectives. Sometimes when I’m in the defining mode additional stuff come up but I’ll always come back to the point and find a way to tie all together. hehe.

In the past, I haven’t been attracted to the female gender. But honestly I can go both ways. What I mean is, if I find myself attracted to another woman, then I’m not going to sit there and deny it. I’m going to be just as open about it as I am with the male gender. I’m not the type who really cares to HIDE my feelings. I’m expressive and for good reason.

To date, I haven’t looked at females and thought ‘Oh I want to be with her’ or ‘I like her as I would a male’. Heck, these days I don’t even look at males and think ‘Oh I want to be with him’ or ‘I like him.’ So, what does that make me: neither straight, lesbian nor bi-sexual?! haha. Naw just a run of a thought, might mean something and might not. But back to what I was saying, I’m open to the attraction and the possibility therein. I’ve figured out why I hadn’t been in the passed and well here’s a logical explanation:

I’ve had several male friends in the past decade or so by choice because I didn’t want a female coming on to me again due to my religious views I chose to take on and live by (if you’re just now visiting my blog and haven’t visited my other pages then just know I’ve graduated religion - some people take a little longer than others to realize that you aren’t to stay in it FOREVER). So I am back to the open-minded person I’ve really always been. Yea religion had it’s way of closing me off and in the process I’ve missed out on some opportunities. But I can only blame myself for allowing that influence to occur. And we live and learn and move on still living.

So to keep a female from making a move on me again, in my view I chose to only have male friends. I can say I’ve had one or two female friends after my first female relationship and even in that I was quite distant. I didn’t let females get too close. I recall feeling this vibe push up against my aura from a female I had been there for who wanted to embrace me but like me having the mindset that I did, I pushed back and created a “force field” around me large enough to keep her at bay (which was a good 3 feet away from where I was standing). I didn’t like females touching me not even for a hug. I’ve had one woman end up kissing me on the neck and I don’t know maybe she just missed my cheek. But it startled me because it immediately took me back to when the female I was with made a move on me. She, too, kissed me on my neck in the middle of a friendly hug. And called me thereafter telling me it was just a peck. Well I didn’t care enough to want to talk about it. As a matter of fact, I wanted to act like it didn’t happen. haha. But whatever. lol. We were cool and the more we hung out she’d make different moves. I don’t really know if that was a move. You know, whatever! But we see where it lead. So that’s what it reminded of when that lady kissed my neck in the middle of a friendly hug. I did pull away quickly and left — LOL. Like I said I didn’t want it to happen again largely because of the laws I chose to live by as a christian when I was a christian. I’ve also had another woman attempt to flirt with me. And these were supposedly christian women. So quite naturally it puzzled me. ONLY BECAUSE of the christian way I was choosing to live by and in the “law” of their world homosexuality is a no-no. And they think it’s just misdirecting emotion *rolls eyes* of which they only think because they don’t fully understand how emotion works; they got half of it but can’t seem to get it all due to their views they choose to hold on to. For an interesting perspective on how love works that can to apply to any emotion you can read Love Does Not Discriminate.

I wasn’t on edge every time I was around a female (because there are females that go to church so I couldn’t avoid them — haha). But if I felt they were a little too close to me I’d distance myself. And not because of me thinking I’d be attracted to them but because when I had a relationship with a female it was due to HER coming on to ME; not the other way around. So in my christian mindset I needed to do what I felt I needed to, to keep something like that from happening again. And keeping my distance as much as possible from females was key. It never occurred to me that the attraction might come on my end. However, it never did. Females are cool but not my type*. You’ll see what I mean by that if you keep reading.

The attraction hasn’t happened, for me anyway, since my first relationship with a female. So in total honesty I can’t sit here and tell you that I’m 100% NOT attracted to females. But I can say that in the passed I haven’t been and that’s why I haven’t been because of my choice to surround myself with a bunch of male friends versus females. So now I’m starting to surround myself with female friends again. I’m really tired of hanging out with the guys largely because they end up wanting to have sex with me and I just don’t have an interest to be sexually intimate with a man. However, I’d rather hang out with a guy interested in other guys than your “straight” guy. But now that I think about it this post can even apply to even the gay and lesbian communities (those only interested in their own gender and not the opposite). Yea that’s right, this applies to you, too. You can learn a thing or two. Anyway, so I don’t rule out men altogether, it’s just by personal experience of several years hanging out with them that’s the pattern I see that hasn’t changed.

So I just want some female friends now and I’m pretty sure they’ll be some attraction with the ladies, too, whether just on my end or theirs or on both. Oh keep reading and I’ll elaborate further later on. I’m specifically referring to human nature; like I said keep reading.

I am open to the attraction, just as I am open to the attraction with males and not a curious attraction either. Curiosity is for “kids”. I will treat the attraction no different than I would the attraction to a male because honestly male/female they are all people. And yes I like to flirt (hey I’m single i can do that — hehe). I haven’t flirted with a female but you know if the attraction is there and we’re both single and diggin’ each other then hey I’m going to flirt. Simple as that.

And let’s be clear, just because I’m stating all of this doesn’t mean I’m looking to be in some relationship because again I’m not; I don’t care what your gender is that truth is I don’t want a relationship. My singleness is really cool and I’ve been single for over 5 years and still counting. I’m not looking into giving it up. (say cheese marlin). Hope you can respect that. If not, oh well because I’m still going to be me whether you like it or not. Shiit! haha.

There are characteristics and qualities in a male that I am attracted to. And quite honestly if people think about it and I mean really think about the qualities they see in the opposite sex, then they’ll realize just as I have that it’s the same qualities that I guarantee are also found in their same gender. By qualities and characteristics I’m not referring to the body. Because what causes fondness and/or love to occur and causes someone to want to be with another is the fact that you enjoy their presence, you enjoy laughing with them, you enjoy talking with them, you like the way they think, you two click and so on. It’s all PERSONALITY. Sit down and figure out why you “fell” in love with someone or started to like them “more than a friend” once you got to know him or her. Was it because he or she had a great body? Was it because he or she was the opposite sex? I bet my life that a very LARGE part of it had to do with that person’s personality.

When people dream of the ‘one’ and list out things they’d like for ‘the one’ to have, over 90% of that list consists of adjectives that describe a person’s what? I’ll just say it: Personality and characteristics and the body makes up a small percentage. Go ahead and prove me wrong. I welcome you, too. You can start by looking at your own list whether you’ve actually written it out or not because I understand that some people don’t know what they want. And you might be that person.

The barrier people put up is GENDER (at least one besides age and color) due to their own personal chosen views, morals whatever. But I guarantee you, if you’re a male and want a female with certain characteristics then show me your list and I guarantee I can find you a male that fits part of or all of your list excluding the gender. Same for you females wanting a male, show me your list and I guarantee I can find you a female that fits part of or all of your list excluding the gender.

So why does gender matter to you?
Especially when it only takes up a tiny part of your list of ‘the one’ for you?
Why do you attempt to override the 90%+ with the less?
Are you really THAT scared of your own gender?
And if you aren’t then what the #@%^ is the big idea?!
I mean, do you want ‘the one’ or not?

Would you rather have a male that meets the 90% on your list or a female who matches only the small fraction on your list?

Yea yea I understand that you want what you want. And heck, you’re entitled to get an exact match of your list. However, I say just don’t be so close-minded and be foolish. Instead be open-minded and wise if you really want to find ‘the one’. We all know (or should or will learn) that what you want the Universe (God, Goddess or whatever name you give All that Is) to deliver to you may not be exactly as you imagined it. It may come in a variety of shapes, forms, and/or sizes. Because the underlying desire is happiness. We all want things including people to contribute to the enhancement of our happiness. That’s what it boils down to. So just be open to whatever the universe sends your way as to eliminate any sort of disappointment due to high expectations (which isn’t wrong as long as you don’t get all gung-ho if things don’t turn out exactly as you planned them to). Embrace openness to manifest that which you desire because you may not always get it exactly as you want it but when you get it, it will satisfy you on some level if and only if you receive it. Now you can choose to not receive it or certain people but at least make a decision based on because you don’t feel it would be as good for you compared to your other options.

You can take all of that to mean whatever you want. Male and female together looks good on paper and to the public only in the world where people still have issues with ACCEPTANCE and RESPECTING people’s choices so much so those folks are trying to run people’s lives as if they own them. Not a single person is anybody’s puppet. And until some of the “straight” people can comprehend that and stop being bullies, then well the world will continue to be what it is. However, those they oppose will still be who they are. So if not a single things changes, what’s the point “straight” people?! Just live your life and be happy damn! And stop giving away so much power to people who really don’t care to have it over your life. You want to be a slave or be free? Daag!

So are you attracted to the opposite sex because you care what people think on how you choose to live your life so you live according to their instructions and not your own or so much so you’ve been subconsciously “bullied” into taking their way of living and making it your own even if it doesn’t really make much sense to you?

Or are you attracted to the opposite sex because you really have no interest like that in the same gender?

And if you say yes to that last question, then really you are not that much different from those who can’t stand to be with his/her own race. Just foolishness because this right here can apply to color and huge age-gap the same.

However, I’d still recommend for you to double check your list again and re-read what I typed because you’re lying to yourself. Point blank. And of course you won’t admit it because you’re already too set in your ways. And well that’s all fine and dandy just as long as you don’t push your views on others. You got that?! And even if you choose to create or re-create a list where gender is about equal to the personality traits or more than because of what I typed, but then my other question applies:

So are you attracted to the opposite sex because you care what people think on how you choose to live your life so you live according to their instructions and not your own or so much so you’ve been subconsciously “bullied” into taking their way of living and making it your own even if it doesn’t really make much sense to you?

Why does gender matter to you?
Why is gender so important to you?
The influence of others is that strong on your life? Really?

That means I can, who probably have never even seen you nor aware of your existence, can easily control you, too? Wow. You’re too easy! But I wouldn’t and don’t want that power. So I give it right back to you. I mean, that’s a serious power you’ve given others to have over you. If it’s your beliefs, well beliefs didn’t come from anywhere; they started from people the moment you started to develop. And later in life you can choose to reprogram your mind keeping what proves itself and tossing what doesn’t and developing more based on objectiveness and openness. Since the best way to learn anything is to remain open-minded to the max and not just within a certain set of ideas. Like for me even all that I type I still remain open-minded.

So why are your beliefs so important to you regarding gender — does it get you what you want? Oh you feel you’d go to hell because of religious people out to scare folks?! Do you even know what hell is? I mean, really. Have you seen it? I’ve heard the christian views — heck I lived in it. But I’ve also read that it’s just a place outside of some city in the middle east somewhere that is just always burning like burning trash or something. I don’t know. Hear a lot of things. Never been there, never seen it no more than I have this Hades/Hell the christians think they know. Christians have their views on it and the resources of the other material I’ve read have their views on it — heck everyone has their own spin on it. And I’m like this if that’s what is helping them and you act “right” and keep you in check then hey so be it. But just because you need that to act “right” doesn’t mean others do. So I just say shut up with that noise already and to hell it with it in a literal sense where hell could just be a place that’s always burning trash - because to me that’s garbage.

Yea, yea I know it’s just something the big bad wolf instilled in your brain when you were a child or as an adult (whatever). Ooo, it’s got you shaking in your boots, the boogie man is out to get you if you don’t act right according to how he/she wants you to live. It’s a discipline method in attempts to control you and the environment in which those who place them want the world to be. People like to control other people to attempt to create an environment they would enjoy living in. If that weren’t so there wouldn’t be laws of the land, laws in the home, laws at work, laws in religion, laws laws laws! So I guarantee you those kind of people will have a problem with you even reading what I’m typing. But you know so what. It all boils down with what has proven itself to you. Are you going to go with the mass and downplay your own experience as if you’re just “going crazy” or are you going to control your own mind? Who do you want to have power of you: you or them? So, hey it’s your choice that only you have to live with. And whatever choice you make be happy with it and don’t force your choice on other people.

Anyway, just thoughts that have run through my mind while observing human nature. I’ve always had an interest in humans, what makes them do what they do (and don’t do), why and when they do or don’t.

Well I’ve been attracted to ONE female AFTER I opened myself up to receive her and must say out of all the relationships I’ve been in with males, she ranks above them all. The guys weren’t terrible; I had my ups and downs with them of which there was just one guy I had sex with whom I was in a relationship with. The others just friends. But I mean the relationship with the female was really just better in both the emotional and sexual side than with the guys and I may have only had sex with three males (and one female) but it is what it is to date (my sex drive is rather low but I’m cool with that). M-k?! I’m not the type who will have sex with people just to see who’s better. Please! That’s so immature. I’m just stating what has surprisingly been great for me over all the rest. It’s the truth. Don’t like it, then too bad. You’re just the type who can’t handle the truth. So move on from here.

Now you might say that I haven’t found the right man. And I respond with a question for you: Whatever gave you the impression that I’m even looking for ‘the one’? Because you falsely assume that every human being is because YOU are?! See that’s the problem. Just because something applies to you doesn’t mean it applies to everyone. Remember that next time you even think to assume something. I’m not like you; not even close. It’s never been my dream to marry or find ‘the one’. Besides, do you even know what that means? Seriously. I think people throw it around and don’t really know what it could possibly mean. I can give you a few perspectives but that’s for another time — maybe. hehe.

And if you’re a male telling me I just haven’t found the right man, yet — I can respond with something a lady here in Austin shared with me her response when guys would talk with her about her orientation and why she chose to want a woman over a man. Her response was quite humorous when I first heard it but after thinking about it, it made a whole lot of sense once you get passed the views of people who think they know what’s right and want to control everyone else according to their own rules they choose to live by. And this is what she had to say:

“…So I started asking them why they “CHOSE to be STRAIGHT”…”
“…They asked me if maybe I just hadn’t met the right man. I told them
maybe THEY hadn’t met the right man!!!!!!…”

Funny but she’s truly got a point whether you want to admit or not.

Anyway, so I have sat down and realized that if there be an attraction between a female and I just as a male and I, then so be it. I’m not going to trip on it and neither should you. I live not by the laws of this land nor any religion. I live by the laws that have proven itself to me in my life to be of personal use to my own development. That’s by personal experience alone. And if you’ve got a problem with it, then well… go suck on a bottle. M-k?! And don’t do the foolish thing of praying for me like you need to pray some demon out of me. Because let’s see, do you know what I have to say in response to that? Oh don’t go, just yet. Let me say it and read it well because I’m only going to say it once:

Pray for yourself that you learn to ACCEPT people as they are. And stop attempting to save that which needs no saving. After all it’s not hurting anyone. I mean you are still able to live your life aren’t you. And if you aren’t then you need to take back some of that power that you have given to others to cause you to be like that.

Let me help you understand the concept behind it. Let’s use food for example, if you don’t like how broccoli looks what’s the best decision to do? Come on it’s real simple. Don’t buy it, don’t eat it, and don’t be around it. I mean you act like you’re allergic to people who have an interest in the same gender (color, huge age difference). Do you have some sort of allergic reaction? Huh? Do you? I mean, are you breaking out in hives, boils, swelling, choking, wheezing… I mean what?! For crying out loud let’s say you have an allergic reaction to broccoli. What do you do to avoid getting that reaction? Hmm? Let me just tell you because I know you are just itching to twist the truth to attempt to justify your not so justified actions. To keep from having an allergic reaction to broccoli (or anything for that matter) what you do is keep your damn distance from it instead of trying to tell people to not eat broccoli. Don’t try to push your issues with it on someone else. Because that’s YOUR issue and YOUR issue all by yourself. God didn’t send you here to control another’s life to attempt to dictate how one lives by twisting what you feel is his word to do it. You live your life the way you want to and be happy. Don’t go trying to cause drama in someone else’s life because you’re so unhappy that you have a problem with broccoli. You’re up here wasting all this precious time trying to save someone from some broccoli when it’s just YOU that needs saving from it because again it’s YOUR issue for whatever reason unknown to you your body is rejecting it. Look I’ve got a task for you, instead of trying to take your anger out on the world because you’ve got broccoli issues how about you take the time to find out why you’ve got those issues and if you can change it within you to learn to accept it. Because shooooooot, lemme tell ya-lemme tell ya — broccoli tastes WONDERFUL! Especially if you melt some cheese on it. OH MY GOD! SCRUMPSHISH!

Yea I know the question popped into your mind: Are we still talking about same gender relationships? Well, are you that slow?! WOW. You’ve got issues if you even have to ask. THE CONCEPT WACKO! THE CONCEPT! Exchange broccoli for same gender relationship. And you think others need saving, WOOOH! Riiiiiiiiight. Pray for yourself buddy, pray for yourself.

I’m open to anything that might add to my happiness. I look at the pros and cons of stuff so therefore I choose carefully. I really think I’ve always been like that except when I chose to take on the christian lifestyle. You know, I started to wonder in that life how men would be singing those love songs to this “Jesus” they worship and how much in love they are with him. Yea men! I kept my view to myself — you know since I was a christian and made it mean that he was special so he was an exception to the rule. Well it still didn’t erase the underlying truth. I mean, I could only imagine seeing it if the guy still walked this earth. They probably don’t even sing those kind of love songs to their own male family members if any at all. But these christian men are so in love with “Jesus”. I mean you’ve heard the songs. Listen to the lyrics. I bet they don’t even sing those kind of songs to their wife (if they have one) and may have never sung like that to any female. I mean it’s like are you serious? Those men are into the same gender and trying to cover it up by saying it’s different because he’s who they believe is God; he’s special; an exception. LOL! WHAAAAAATEVER! Hey if that keeps your boat afloat then by all means, keep telling yourself that lie. But I know better. And yet you try to say that homosexuality is wrong and yet you’re attracted to “Jesus”. Shiiiittt, ya’ll are bold! Shame, shame! It’s one thing to see christian females say how much they love “Jesus” (a man) but another man expressing his intense love for the man … and knowing the christian views… shooot that’s very interesting. Smells like hippos to me. HYPOCRITES! If homosexuals are damned to hell well so are all christian men. Don’t get mad at the truth. I’d touch on the christian females but I think I’ve said enough for today.

LOL. You got a problem with what I’ve said and got your panties in a bunch because you are so easily offended that I’ve fucked with your belief system (because somewhere inside of you know damn well I’m right), well as Will Smith said it on I-Robot:

“Does it look like I care what you think? Does it look like I give A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK?!”

LOL. I’m a confident smart ass because I’m as objective as can be. Learned that skill counseling people for years. So deal with it because I love it. I’ve been an excellent listener all of my life and a great observer and now this listener and observer speaks. I do still listen. I don’t mean just casual listening. I mean, really listening and coupling it with observation. I do it well. hahaha.

So I know there will be an attraction if the woman carries any of the characteristics/traits/qualities that causes me to start liking a man. I’d probably be more interested in the feminine types than the masculine types — heck I don’t know. Just guessing because I don’t really know. haha. I like men that are short and stocky largely because I like the way it feels than to wrap my arms around some skinny dude like I’m hugging nothing. And height well because I don’t want to be stretching my neck and being all on my tippy toes just to kiss someone. haha. So due to those reasons, obviously women would have to be the same. My first relationship the female was taller than I and that’s fine; she just wasn’t too tall for my reasons. hehe. Anyway, again I’m not looking to be in a relationship nor am I looking to date (that’s for the clueless), but oddly enough that doesn’t stop me from liking or even being in love with someone. I like to act on my emotions as long as I don’t get all in some relationship. I’ve managed so … whatever. I’m open-minded and an open-book. I like opening up my options to gain that which I want that matches that of another or multiple. I’ve got a preference with anything but I do remain open. I’d be foolish to close myself off to something that could, based on some thought, potentially really add more value to my life while I’m still living.

Okay that’s defining the undefined. YEA-YUH!!!! LOL.

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