We were a cute couple
One that a lot of people seemed to look up to
That cute little christian couple
That when we broke up people were so distraught
As if they measured their own relationship based on ours
Funny thing no matter who I got with
My relationship is what others would put on a pedestal
People kept asking me why we broke up
and I’d just tell them to go ask you
You’d walk passed me sometimes and not say anything
wouldn’t even look at me
and people around me would just wait for my reaction
of which I had none
You became scared to interact with me
Especially when your mother was around
eventually I found that amusing
You’d get choked up for some reason
as if she forbid you to even look at me
we went to the same church
but you made it a point to avoid me deliberately
however, when you knew mama dearest wasn’t around
you’d have no problems saying at least hi
and then you gradually increase in what you’d say
as if you’re gaining your confidence back
but not really since it was done in the absense of your mom
and a freedom came with it when you would speak
but as soon as your dear old mom showed up
the freedom was locked down instantly
coincidence?
the only person that couldn’t see it
or refused to admit it — was you
you were like a scared puppy
with its tail between its legs
and yet you still loved me
but couldn’t have me
your parent(s) had someone else in mind
after all it was your dad that said
I was only girlfriend material
as if you and I had made any plans to be married
a preacher’s boy
a mama’s boy
and you say your brother is one

why we broke up
“God told you to”
now everyone knows part of it
And now you know why
I actually “prayed” in tears each night for it to happen
because it was too hard for me to do it
having fallen in love with you
but I knew it had to be done
I just couldn’t bring myself to do it
So I found an easier way
prayer and wishing you would break up with me
so when you did it
it was easy for me to accept
because I knew
That’s not the entire truth of why we ended
but yes, that too is part of it.
you know the other reason
that others do too based on observation
no person may have understood the prayer aspect of it
And really it was beyond their comprehension
They just had a hard time dealing with our breakup
as if they were the one who was dumped
and was even willing to be mad at you for me
because they couldn’t understand how calm I could be
sure I was hurting but I knew it was for the best
The direction in which our relationship was taking
wasn’t something I desired nor anything that was beautiful at all
I just didn’t know how to let you go
and didn’t want to be the one to do it
it runs deeper than that –
my reason
– for not being the one to end it
something that I vowed to myself years prior to ever meeting you
nothing you’d understand, though

Well none of that stopped our breakup from being the talk of the year
And when people found out you were with someone else
they rushed over to tell me
to see my reaction
of which I had none.

Yes, it was through you that I was shown that I could love again
after a breakup I went through about a year before you
I remember a statement you made to me more than once
you not feeling good enough for me
that I am the reason why people notice you
I am why you became popular amongst those you weren’t popular before
remember?

I recall the time we decided to be friends with benefits
because we knew your parents didn’t want us together
and we wanted to be together
so we thought to work around it
by saying we’re friends with benefits
silly I know
my parents did have their opinion of you
they just weren’t all up in our business like yours were
my parents would give me their opinion
and leave it
your parents on the other hand, would do just the opposite
forcing things regardless what you wanted
and you succumbed to their ways
and…

I recall at about age 22 the time I needed a place to stay
when I returned to Florida for a job interview
I had set up while being in Texas
boy was that interesting
living under the same roof as you
wasn’t an ideal situation for your mom
but due to the circumstances
with my father acting weird
having made me feel uncomfortable in his home
I couldn’t stay with him and she knew it
and with her probably feeling obligated as a christian
she and your dad agreed I’d stay …
in their household - TEMPORARILY
the very people that couldn’t stand seeing us together.
In their three-bedroom house,
I slept on the couch
in the living room
you remember?
of course you do, because you still lived with your parents then

I think it was about a week before I was “forced” upon some lady in the church
who owned a big house out in the woods
Well I say “forced” because that’s the word she chose to use
that was the word that came out of her mouth
no influence on my part
when talking with me
–a day or two before I had moved out of her house–
about my being there
thankful to her despite the fact she didn’t really want me there
no more than your mother wanting me under the same roof as you
but it was the “christian thing” to do, right?
i think that’s what people felt they were obligated to do
because of their christian views.
well at least in that lady’s house I had a room and not a couch
in your parents house with predominately males
and one female being your mother
but I’m thankful I had a roof, right?
so after the house in the woods,
I ended up living in a camper of the youth pastors of the church
where I struggled just to pay two hundred dollars a month in rent.
you know them, because we all went to the same church
but I was proud I had a space I could call my “own”
not couch
not a room
but a space
of which I was most grateful for
even though I was renting and
even that came with problems with the owners
problems non-related to you
that’s for another post some other day for my blog.
I’m just getting started
possibly I’m out to tell all
So in all despite all of that,
I’d say I’m thankful
not just that I had a roof over my head
but I was able to see more INTO people
more than what I had already known was there.
hm.

[ By the way I got the job
-- of course --
like I was going to drive to Florida and not get it.
I knew I would. ]

So back to staying in your parents spot
It felt odd
but didn’t last long
was out in what I think was a week
as said already
Oh don’t worry
I won’t spill your family business
As it hasn’t a thing to do with me
but that which does
I shall reveal
believe me –
no actually KNOW
that I’m not mad
I’m simply reminiscing
because all of that drama
is really quite entertaining
looking back.

So the moments I had alone with your mother and father,
now those I will share
because it had a whole lot to do with how you’d “respond” to me
your mother claimed to not trust us to be in house with no one else being there
we were young adults by that time
no longer minors
adult and mature
at least I know I was
(can’t speak for you)
And yet she still insisted on treating you like a child.
even made your little brother into some sort of chaperon
with just you driving me somewhere
Your father in the truck driving along side of us
It was pathetic
They were threatened so much by the thought of us being alone
even YEARS AFTER we had broken up
because they knew there was a huge chance
the love we shared COULD be ignited again
and I wasn’t someone they wanted you to be with
you know that
and so do a whole lot of other people
that went to the same church

I was the forbidden fruit
so to speak
no matter how much you wanted me
you couldn’t have me
being controlled by someone other than yourself
I thought the whole timid thing you’d grow out of
but when I stayed there
you and I spoke less than five times
and when we did it lasted under two minutes.
I conversated more with your little brother than I did with you
I do recall you asking me jokingly - I hope
“So how do you like being a part of the [.......] family?”
I’m sure you knew the answer to that,
it was a clear cut: I don’t.
but your father was an awesome cook!

I recall your mother attempting to mold me into something she would like for me to be
haha — what d@%! shame!
She wanted control over me
like she had with the female she wanted you with
But that wasn’t going to happen
and she knew it and didn’t like it
I recall your mother so insecure about you and I being in the same household
that she would be working like crazy to find me another place to be
and while she did that she’d make sure I was out of the house
going EVERYWHERE with her
She would say that people would be talking at church
asking me ‘How my being there in her home with you (her son) being there too would look to the mass’ and so on…
A woman more concerned with what people thought
and it didn’t just stop there — oh not at all
She had a reputation to uphold
and was a lot of energy to do it
largely to satisfy the congregation
so she says
And felt me living with you all
was making ya’ll look bad
because of a history you and I had some years ago
overlooking the good that it could do for her rep since it was apparently important to her
after all how can helping someone have a roof over their head look bad?
I can see if I was taking advantage of you all but I had never asked for such before
I didn’t even ask to stay with ya’ll
I personally was just going to wing it as I went along
And whatever would happen happened.
Your folks of all people would definitely not a place I’d thought I’d stay
considering I knew they hadn’t let go of you and I being together
She kept to her ridiculous opinions
even though you and I had ended years ago
I said ‘What you don’t trust me?’
She said, ‘I trust you, I just don’t think ya’ll should be alone in the house’
I said, ‘So you don’t trust your son?’
She said, ‘It’s not that…’
So in my mind, if you trust me and trust your son
Then what’s the problem, really?
Apparently, your mother thinks I’ve got stupid written all over me
I told her that I didn’t want you.
I told her and meant it.
She felt I did and if she really did not
then she felt you wanted me still

Now, I can understand why they thought I was a bad influence on you
years ago when we were together
Because of the phone sex that was later introduced to our relationship
really it was just a question if you had it
and really not me expressing an interest in us starting - seriously
I don’t really think it was the phone sex persay
Actually coming from christian standpoint sure I understand how it was
as masturbation is looked at as some sin
which is something I used to believe myself because of christian stuff
Now I can’t take responsibility for your chosen places to call me
I mean come on, the church?
I tried to tell you that wasn’t a good idea
And yet you wanted to anyway
even when I would not join in that conversation
You still wanted to do your own thing
and sure enough you got caught
I guess masturbating
I don’t know I wasn’t there
When I had phone sex with you
I wouldn’t touch myself
Added more excitement to not
But I’m sure your folks thought that I had something to do
with your decision to have phone sex in the church
but if they knew that I wasn’t participating
they’d see it was really all just you

Oh what about the time we went out passed our curfew
and stayed in the car in the parking lot of Big Lots in little town of Crestview?
Looking back, I bet your mother was just frantic
on just the THOUGHT of you being out late with anyone other than her chosen one for you
Your father was scared to take me home
because my father was in rage so he said
and he didn’t want to get violent with my dad
I do believe had it escalated to that
that would have been a really bloody scene
who knows who would have survived that one
but I think your father was overreacting
I guess they thought we were having sex
actually I’m sure that’s what they thought
especially your father having found us
with the windows being fogged
however that truly was just due to the cold weather
but he didn’t know that
we would have never had sex
I was sure of that
I am truly able to control myself
which results in us never having sex
other than phone sex
But of course, adults think that just because they couldn’t control themselves when they were young
that it applies to everyone

You were so scared
I recall the look on your face when I told you your dad had just drove up
See you had somehow made your way to the backseat
and I remained in the front
while talking with you I did turn around
so you weren’t able to see who drove up
until I mentioned it
I got nervous going home,
simply because I knew I was passed my curfew
and your dad made it sound like my dad was so far upset
that he felt he’d get violent with possibly him
Now my pops did yell at me “where the hell have you been…”
haha - yea it’s funny now
but sure wasn’t then.
Didn’t know what my punishment would be
my dad’s whoopin’ was instilling fear of one
that was a whoopin’ all by itself
But there was no need to get nervous on o the way home for any other reason
other than me being out way passed my curfew
you on the other hand…

My father was disappointed that the next day your mother came over with you
so that you could apologize for “having” me out late.
My father expected to talk with the man of the house
And your mother’s presence well…
is she the man of the house?
once I was informed ya’ll were coming over
I even expected your father to be there
since both of my parents were
It just seemed odd
to say the least
when he didn’t show up
and if he couldn’t then the day could have been another
it was just odd
mama’s boy
and a controlling mother
is what that was all about
had anything to do with our break up?!

Your father was in our business
But it wasn’t as evident as it was your mother
he would say he does his best to stay out of your relationships
giving you your space
that’s what he told me
in some other choice words
So our breakup
Your decision to end it
more than likely had something to do with the influence of your mom.
I know it had something to with my wanting it to end
especially after realizing you were a mama’s boy
and we all know how relationships go when mama’s all up in it
I didn’t want that for a life
so it needed to end
no matter how much I loved YOU
I didn’t love your mom.
and that’s who controlled you.
I didn’t love that part of you that allowed it
because you were too timid to take control of your own mind
that including the phone sex
and attempting to “pass me off” to your best friend
as a way to keep me close to you
because we couldn’t be together
because you were too scared to stand up to your own mother
and say:

THIS IS WHAT I WANT.
I APPRECIATE YOUR CONCERN FOR ME,
BUT THIS IS MY LIFE
AND YOU ARE OVERSTEPPING YOUR BOUNDARIES
TRUST ME!
TRUST ME ENOUGH TO LET GO.
TRUST THAT I CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOUR CONTROL.

But instead you chose to do the opposite
and succumb to her power
even when it chained you to unhappiness
Your parents and how they treat you
cause me to APPRECIATE mine on another level
That control she had over you
didn’t have a thing to do with your age
Because again
When I stayed with ya’ll momentarily
I saw the power still remained
even after we had broken up,
graduated high school
and moved on in life

I mean I had gotten into another relationship
after being sure I was over you
Since there’s no point in carrying over such feelings
because it just doesn’t do a bit of good
So I did and well funny thing
the guy felt he needed you to be okay with him and I being together
or maybe the conversation he had with you that Sunday
caused him to comment the way that he did
saying he thinks you’re finally okay with him and I being together.
It’s not like I asked what ya’ll talked about
because it’s wasn’t like ya’ll were really friends
and quite naturally I’m like so what
you can’t even speak to me
so why should I care how you may have felt?
Didn’t make a bit of sense to me.
So I changed the subject
because who I am with was
absolutely none of your business.

You were STILL too scared
to talk with me
It’s funny but also a shame.
but now you fully understand my prayer
for it to end
it would have been hell at its best
had we stayed together

I recall back then in high school,
those times we’d sneak to be together
haha. funny
We tried a silent relationship
but it was so clear despite our attempts
that were still seeing each other

I even recall some time after we broke up
we met each other, talked and kissed
and I later found out when we kissed
you were in a relationship with you know who
Now I had never thought that you were the cheating type
but never thought that you weren’t either
I mean you can’t ever be too sure in regards to that
Did I cheat on you
Nope you gave me no reason to
not saying if you did that I would
Did you ever cheat on me
Now that did cross my mind after finding out you were in a relationship
and after finding out we kissed one more time
and then I made sure it didn’t happen again.
I can’t speak for you,
but it just had me feeling dirty.

I recall those times your father (the pastor) would preach on “dating in the church”
made it sound all bad when you and I were together
but as soon as we broke up and you were with your parents’ choice
all of a sudden it’s alright
many people saw right through that
not just myself

to remember you,
is to remember the pain
sure we had good times
but they are drowned by the drama with your parents
thinking I wasn’t good enough for you
with your parents thoughts
heavily influencing and controlling you
so to remember you,
is to remember the pain
it’s nearly impossible to think
of the good without being smacked in the face with the bad
overall I just choose to not remember
that you and I ever existed as a couple
ever existed we had any feelings for each other
feels so much better than to remember the good
because with it comes the bad just as fast.

The preacher’s son’s a mama’s boy
I haven’t a clue and
haven’t made it my business to know
who and what you are now.
I haven’t a care in the world
it’s just as simple as that.

I recall the good times we had
the letters we’d write
the tapes we’d send
the way we’d look at each other

My favorite moment shared with you
was the day you came to school late
I was sad because I was waiting for you
to walk with me to my first class as usual
I thought after the bell rang to go to second period
should I wait or maybe he’s not here today
So I began walking to my class without you
I was really sad — haha
missing “my man”
wishing you were there
and in the midst of the crowded hallways
you came quickly around the corner
as if you were looking for me
and had your arms opened wide
with a great big smile on your face
and your eyes sparkling in the light
and you said “Heeeey.”
that lit up my day instantly
I leaped into your arms and was so happy
and it was like we were the only two people in the hallway
a true kodak moment

That’s my favorite moment shared with you
that every blue moon crosses my mind
when thinking of all my favorite times shared with people
I’ve cared anything about here on earth

and this is how I’d like to end this on

A POSITIVE!

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